A concern with histories that hurt is not then a backward orientation[i]

Cobbled together in the AFTER hours

Thinking about and working the experiment;

 multiplicity of performativity in absentia,

the chaos-world of performative texts,

and feeling into a  trans*ecotone as field (not a score)

Start it up lite / grinning in the seat / rolling the tongue:


         (play for teeny bit, warming it up, then fade out, & close the  


What am I thinking about

-          post performance low muddy no words sigh

-          feeling far from interlocutors

-         thinking w chaos and loss – and alternate kinds of joy 

-          feeling the POSTness of a five year journey: in LA REPEATER  and in NY the three other works:  SLIPPING INTO DARKNESS – Day, SLIPPING INTO DARKNESS -Night, and .bury.me.fiercely.  offered world-making/breaking and time-haunt experiences  - haunted/solo, ecotonal group, libidinal collision, affective opacity, queer old-school trans* bloodied-punk,  and a hell of a lot of labor (don’t judge)

-          thinking about life as glass (see Tolentino 2014 essay[1]  + upcoming 2020 Amelia Jones  and Andy Campbell’s Queer Communion[v] 

·  Young points to new work’s ana-archival tendencies - 108 mirrors, 108 blood slides, 108 hours

·   Felix and Ni’Ja & the original MFA project’s anarchic, trans* modalities burst a wish to stay

-          disconnected and amidst very important and righteous body shifts (very intense, and feels very unrelatable in cohort settings. The body hurts. Unreadable. The coldness is not lost on me.

-          contending with the aftermath of five years of work and the return of 1500lbs of materials to my house*studio. A privilege and a promise.

-         thinking about In Praise of Shadows 

-          wondering what James Luna would think about this transitional rendering and the darkness he endured in the slowly sipped to death temporality. So icy.

-          never nostalgia / worrying about xenophobia / anxious about all the binaristic tendencies

-          world-breaking as world-making -🡪 project thematic on the horizon / and admittedly  hard to get it up for arts 166 / 13 weeks and counting / forever-student steps off mentorship / dismantling & decentering

-          this piece of writing is for reading and listening and losing and wandering

-      patina of age as sensation / an inter(intra?)-penetration

-          (fantasy:) Megan Thee Stallion raps on aging and menopause - hot girl

Starting again:

“A concern with histories that hurt is not then a backward orientation: to move on, you must make this return.”

Sara Ahmed from “Multiculturalism and The Promise of Happiness”

I am interested in the pacing of Ahmed’s writing.

&/with this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAP0DeERqM0 

(ok to listen later)[vii]

'Guess you figured my two times two / Always equates to one / dreamers are selfish / When it all comes down to it / I hope one of you come back to remind me / Of who I was / When I go disappearing / Into that good night '

           Labyrinth – All of Us 

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